Grounded, Present, and a Little Less Anxious

Saying goodbye is challenging. It can be painful and carries with it a sense of loss that can lead one to wonder if feeling whole again is possible. Some goodbyes are harder than others. When I left Germany four years ago, saying goodbye felt different than I wanted it to because of covid restrictions. Saying goodbye to places simply wasn’t possible in the same way as it had been. Restaurants were closed and crossing borders was complicated.  Letting go was hard because it seemed like closure wasn’t possible, at least not in the way I wanted it. In my community at BFA, a lot of emphasis was placed on having a final coffee or going on one last walk with a friend in order to prevent simply disappearing or not saying things that needed to be said. I encouraged students and staff to take advantage of these opportunities, and I stand by those admonitions. However, when I think about the people and places I left behind, what comes to mind is not that final goodbye. Some of those moments were painful and not true to our relationship. What I think of are the car rides, conversations, walks, lunches, and so many other things that wove the fabric of everyday life into something rich and sweet. When my friend Kim would call early in the morning and say “I just read about this lake in Switzerland…want to go find it?” Or when Emmalee and I would spend hours talking and enjoying doner for dinner and watching a show. Part of me will always miss rambling through the hills of the Black Forest. For me, the quality and value of a season is not determined by the way that a season ends, and this requires me to believe that God’s good work in me is never really finished. I’m glad I’m not the same person who moved to Marzell in 2010 or to Denver in 2022. She learned, she grew, and she changed. And while she might not be within driving distance of Switzerland anymore, she is grounded and present, and maybe a little less anxious than she was then. I love who that person was, who she is now, and who she is becoming. 

In a few weeks, I will be packing up to move yet again and I am eager for what this new season will hold. (My plans are still unfolding - if you're curious feel free to reach out privately) What will all of the goodbye's and hello's be like this time? The only thing I am completely sure of is that God’s presence is guaranteed - I never have to say goodbye to Him. My God Who never changes is here for the ride with His child who changes with little to no predictability.

Crab Apple blossoms by the river